When I said I didn’t love you anymore, I was surprised and disappointed in myself. I couldn’t believe those words, buried deep inside, had left my mouth. I suppose it was only a matter of time before all the lying would weigh heavy on my heart and I would divulge everything to you. I remember how quiet you were. How hurt you were. Your silence was an indication that the truth sometimes doesn’t matter, nor is it important, when it’s at the cost of someone’s feelings, and I wondered why, when Mama always said the truth is what matters most, even if it hurts.
I don’t love you anymore. There I said it.
And after that, I remember covering my mouth in shock. The truth had leaked. I panicked. I looked around me, at society, at existence moving about and when I turned my back on you and decided to walk away I asked myself:
When did we start lying?
We created perfect lives about our imperfect lives
We were once children
We anxiously awaited adulthood because grown-ups were allowed to stay up late
They were allowed to have fun
To drink ferociously
To live by their own rules
And we were children
Taught to believe in make-believe
To have trust
To believe in stories read to us at bedtime
Stories which were just fabricated lies transformed into fantasy
But we loved them and we believed in them
I loved you and I believed in you
And there we were, lying to each other
Just to protect our hearts from damage
You are damaged
You sit in your office chair and stare out your window
Maybe you have thoughts of jumping?
Maybe you have dreams of being a bird?
Your routine days don’t make you happy anymore
And I don’t think they ever did
I don’t think I ever did
You used to smile
I used to too
I want to shake you
Life is not that bad
I want to press my fingers into your face and push your lips upright
I forget what you look like with a smile
For now, I am the only witness to your sad reflection in the window
Because I know what you’re thinking
You wonder: why am I here? What is my purpose?
You look down from your office window
At all of the people who look like scattered ants moving around frantically
The sun is so close, you can almost touch it
And the clouds are so thick you almost get lost in them
And although you’re perched high above
A tall skyscraper could never make you feel as though you’re on top of the world
You’re up in the sky and so close to heaven
But you don’t see it this way
You grab your office chair and throw it down the hall
You rip your keyboard out and smash your computer with it
You tear down every degree and diploma you have hanging on the wall
You lost your mind that day
And I couldn’t save you
You couldn’t save yourself
Everything that surrounds you is all that you are
What have you become?
A company drone
A machine of waste
Disposing your toxicity into a company who is consumed with the bottom line
I have always wanted to draw the line
But you always crossed it
You are just like them
And you know it
And because you know it
It makes you sick
So sick that this feeling has wrought in the pit of my stomach
Where you hoped I’d one day carry a child
But I can’t
Because I won’t bring a child into this world
And have its innocence be tarnished by monsters like you
To have it grow up and be a monster like you
(photo credit: skinpoetryphotography.wordpress.com)
The atmosphere in the room changed quickly. Smoke covered the air thickly. Unable to see his face, the length of space, where honesty couldn’t be conveyed, at least not today.
A voice from within grabbed ahold of each word and sprung off the tip of her tongue, “What is truth, if you haven’t got proof? Where is the truth in life, beguiled by words, tongue slithering sly?”
“There is truth in the world, pure and untainted. Speak of it unadulterated,” he claimed, a preacher ordained.
“You’re being moralistic, without being realistic. And what is true? Explain, would you? Because truth is measured by lies written by people with status and education, mending their prophecies with inclinations. What’s true to me may not be true to you, despite that it’s been presented without further adieu. Close the curtain and turn off the lights. Allow me to surround you with my truth which are just beautiful lies.”
A maniacal laughter adorned in darkness emerged from within, “Let’s exchange truth for sin.”