Tag Archive | Strength

Growing Up We Grow Apart

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When I said I didn’t love you anymore, I was surprised and disappointed in myself. I couldn’t believe those words, buried deep inside, had left my mouth.  I suppose it was only a matter of time before all the lying would weigh heavy on my heart and I would divulge everything to you.  I remember how quiet you were. How hurt you were. Your silence was an indication that the truth sometimes doesn’t matter, nor is it important, when it’s at the cost of someone’s feelings,  and I wondered why, when Mama always said the truth is what matters most, even if it hurts.

I don’t love you anymore. There I said it.

And after that, I remember covering my mouth in shock. The truth had leaked. I panicked. I looked around me, at society, at existence moving about and when I turned my back on you and decided to walk away I asked myself:

When did we start lying?
To ourselves
We created perfect lives about our imperfect lives
We were once children
We anxiously awaited adulthood because grown-ups were allowed to stay up late
They were allowed to have fun
To drink ferociously
To live by their own rules
And we were children
Taught to believe in make-believe
To have trust
To believe in stories read to us at bedtime
Stories which were just fabricated lies transformed into fantasy
But we loved them and we believed in them
I loved you and I believed in you
And there we were, lying to each other
Just to protect our hearts from damage
You are damaged
You sit in your office chair and stare out your window
Maybe you have thoughts of jumping?
Maybe you have dreams of being a bird?
Your routine days don’t make you happy anymore
And I don’t think they ever did
I don’t think I ever did
You used to smile
I used to too
I want to shake you
Life is not that bad
I want to press my fingers into your face and push your lips upright
I forget what you look like with a smile
For now, I am the only witness to your sad reflection in the window
Because I know what you’re thinking
You wonder: why am I here? What is my purpose?
You look down from your office window
At all of the people who look like scattered ants moving around frantically
The sun is so close, you can almost touch it
And the clouds are so thick you almost get lost in them
And although you’re perched high above
A tall skyscraper could never make you feel as though you’re on top of the world
You’re up in the sky and so close to heaven
But you don’t see it this way
You grab your office chair and throw it down the hall
You rip your keyboard out and smash your computer with it
You tear down every degree and diploma you have hanging on the wall
You lost your mind that day
And I couldn’t save you
You couldn’t save yourself
Everything that surrounds you is all that you are
What have you become?
A company drone
A machine of waste
Disposing your toxicity into a company who is consumed with the bottom line
I have always wanted to draw the line
But you always crossed it
You are just like them
And you know it
And because you know it
It makes you sick
So sick that this feeling has wrought in the pit of my stomach
Where you hoped I’d one day carry a child
But I can’t
Because I won’t bring a child into this world
And have its innocence be tarnished by monsters like you
To have it grow up and be a monster like you

-m.T

(photo credit: skinpoetryphotography.wordpress.com)

I’m Not Yours Anymore

Definitely, I don’t know, maybe
Confused, so you lied with your apologies and “but baby…”
I laugh when I think about all that
Because you weren’t all that
Despite what everyone says, it’s easier said than done
To pretend you never happened and to erase you until you’re gone
I thought I could do it but I can’t
So I’ll just settle for how angry I am and release it while I rant
About your inconsistencies
My indecency
Your shallow frame of mind
Your need for getting high
I used to tune out your savage words you arranged in sentences
I wasn’t allowed to climb your tall fences and
So I’ll lie here on the other side
Safe from your moral decline
All the while tangled in your web of chaos and self-destruction
You hate yourself, you hate the world, getting better was never part of the discussion
You think people are easy to dispose of
Because you’re messed up and you don’t believe in love
Your battered heart you claimed you ditched
So you beat mine up to get your fix
And now I’m lucky to hear it beat every now and then
The only proof I am alive after what you did
You piece of shit
You’ve made me repent for all your sins
You did
You did
You did
Good riddance

-m.T

By Your Bedside

Caught in between an unparalleled universe
Where young meets old
Together
Two worlds apart
Joined by a bridge
Of blood and heart

But you and I are not different
We’re alike
We were all born
And we all die

He says
I hang from every word
As he tries to catch his breath

He holds my hand and caresses my face
Marking this moment as bittersweet
And unforgettable
A moment I want to run from
A moment I can’t erase

And although he is weathered and tired
He is full of life when he smiles
He grips my hand tightly
It’s his way of telling me not to worry
But when I look into his eyes I see Fear
Cancer is a bully

And time
Time is flying by
It’s shortened when death meets life
A Rolodex of memories flashes before my eyes
He asks Why do I have to work hard to die?

My eyes are damp
Because of what I cannot change
Because of what cannot be undone
Cancer has won

I pray that God won’t give you what I can’t beat
He speaks
Words of selflessness
And power
I feel defeat

Is there a God? I ask myself
How could he rob a gentle man
Of his health?
He looks into my eyes
And says Where there is a beginning, there is an end
He has faith that where there is love
Hearts can mend

There is
He says.

m.T

(Photo credit: annstreetstudio.com)

The Seamstress

Here she is
Something
For you to look at
Something
For us
All
To look at.
She is looking back at you
She dares you to look further
To look beneath a sewed canvas of skin
Which covers life within
A body containing trinkets collected along this journey
You call life
She calls fantasy
Because it’s always been better this way.
She stands upon a wooden stool
Holds her breath
And tilts her head back
To the fluorescent lights she imagines is the sun.
She stretches out her arms
She imagines her arms are wings
Wings she can use to fly away.
Her feet begin to levitate
She frantically flaps her arms
And defies gravity.
Her spirit is seamless
Her wings are broken
She falls to the floor.
Seam-less
She is pricked with a needle
A knotted thread weaves
In and out
He pulls
In and out
Sometimes catching the knotted thread
Between her open flesh
Every now and then.
She doesn’t bleed
Her body won’t allow her to
Sacrifice
Herself
For something she doesn’t believe in.
She withstands the pain of the knotted thread
And her gaping flesh
Which absorbs the air she cannot breathe.
Still she stands
Eyes shut tight
Lips pressed tight
Hands clenched tight.
She leaps forward
And opens her hands.
Her fingers comb the air
And time holds still.
She grasps the needle
She can sew her own skin with
Skin, which is not tender and soft
But rough
Covered in sharp fibers
Splinters pushed into the skin of another
A touch, which electrocutes
You
Electric shock, which pulsates through your body
Channeling the message that
You
Do Not
Have
The right
To
Touch
But you felt you had the right anyway
Because
THIS
Is
Not
MY
Body
But YOURS
For the taking
Dear Sir:
Who I thought was kind
You are mistaken
I am Mine.
The day I bleed
Will be the day
I have sewed my own skin
With my own needle
Sterilized from the disease which you spread
And while I stitch
I will look back at you.
Now look at me
I dare you.
Now touch me
I dare you.

-m.T

(Photo Credit: annstreetstudio.com)

She Colours Her World

looking forward to spring

She often watched classic films
In black and white
Except her life wasn’t
So
Black and white
With shades of grey
How could
She
Be that woman
He
Dreamed she could be
In films
On that
Big screen
He tried to transpose
Into the
Big world
Where a lady is not a woman
But a girl
The size of the
Gap between
His thumb and finger
Sizing her up
Eyes linger
Until her knees buckle
Limber
Lumber
As the result of fallen trees
She hoped to never be
To instead grow tall
Strong
Self-assured
Where he would embrace
A woman
Not a girl
We see in black and white films
But someone real
A woman in colour
A real woman
To colour
Not his
But hers
A beautiful world

-m.T

(Photo Credit: http://www.annstreetstudio.com)

I am

strength

I am life, the one you never wanted me to be. I am a breath of fresh air when you wanted to suffocate me with tyranny. I am virtuous, rising above your tidal wave of fury. I am remembrance of your memory often blurry. I am the sea, which washes away your cruelty. I am liberty in the face of your mutiny. I am honour, which dismisses your violence. I am loud in the face of silence. I am bravery, which belittles your intolerance. I am victory above your dominance. I am all of these things, you see, but you can’t because you’re blind to what this means. There is no beauty in monsters who shut their eyes, the ones who use truth saturated in lies. The ones who wipe their hands clean of the damage they have done; the ones who walk away from the battleground thinking they have won. The ones who use words with the intention to kill; the ones who use ferocious words for the thrill. Be on your way with your suitcase filled with belligerence where you can no longer harm or tarnish innocence. For I am not a feather, but a bird made of many. I will soar to greater heights, never weak, always steady.

-m.T