Stephen Fry makes me smile. Have a look-see and a listen-hear…oops I mean here:
Fuck you. I would have ended the letter there but that would indicate I’m a lady with few words. Perhaps I’m a lady with few wholesome ones but I can assure you that I am never short of vile ones. The thought of you squirming while reading fuck you brought a tiny splash of delight to my day. I would have left you with those two fine words -words I cherish, words you despise but then that would give you a reason to reply and frankly I could give a shit for lack of a better word. You’d prefer “care less” but I could give a shit about your haughty uptight appreciation for clean words or your mundane use of them. And while you take a gander in your safe cluster of words I will go ahead and pick pocket any insidious, undesirably yummy word I can think of just to ignite the ball of fury within what you consider a skeleton with vital organs- one being a heart. Do you have one? How do you feel? I prefer soulless, blah blah boring empty carcass. It has a better ring to it. You may not think so. You’re dead inside and so are your words. They don’t have passion or an appetite. They’re not voluptuous or sensual, nor do they drive one to sink their teeth in them. They’re not filled with lust. They’re not thirsty. They haven’t got balls or an urge. They don’t chase you until you’re out of breath. They don’t ache, desire, or tempt. They don’t penetrate the mind with emotion. They haven’t got vitality nor do they bounce about with pizazz. In fact, your words shrivel up the moment they leave your mouth because they lack life. I suppose the only way to save your words from dying is to pop your bubble wrap containing them. I will free them. I will expose them to a tongue, which isn’t afraid to lather itself in shock and disdain- a tongue which pleasures itself in getting dirty.
The girl who plays with fire
How can you defy the bullshit factor? Are you resilient enough?
Usually writing in coffee shops inspires me to write most of my posts but this one was inspired by my not-so inspiring place of work. So today’s post? Bullshit and writing- oh, uh did the title give it away? SORRY! -Now that is what you would call a bullshit apology.
Urban Dictionary at urbandictionary.com defines the lovely word most use in their daily discourse as:
1) Noun. Stuff that is made up for the purpose of placating someone, or passing an exam, or getting elected to office. Most often false or ridiculous.
2) Verb. To generate bullshit.
3) Interjection. Accusing someone of bullshitting.
4) Adjective. Identifying or suspecting something as bullshit.
In all usages, the term can be shortened to “bull” or “BS”
1) My essay was complete bullshit.
2) Man, I gotta learn to bullshit properly if I want to pass this English exam.
3) “I was sick all last week!” “Bullshit!”
4) That is such a bullshit answer.
Don’t you just hate it when someone boldly goes where no other bullshitter has gone before? There is a fine line between sounding frighteningly stupid while bullshitting and sounding brilliantly persuasive when bullshitting. Today I think my boss crossed that line. He crossed over to the dark side and left most of the office staff in shambles just pleading for him to stop. Oh man, if walls could talk they’d be screaming “The madness, make it stop.” But he didn’t. It got worse too. He decided that it would be a good idea to take his verbal bull, put it on a silver platter, decorate it with garnishes and serve it to the public. He did the unthinkable. He emailed his corrosively constructed BS message to a bunch of people. His email went like this: I heard _____ has filed for bankruptcy and you’ve been thrown out on the street. If your house was on fire, what would you do? Would you let it burn or would you try to save it? I have an offer you can’t refuse. Contact me. I shit you not, those were his exact words. He proclaimed his message over the phone while I sat at my desk and lost count of how many times I had thrown up in my mouth. It was corny with a capital C and Bullshit with a super capital B. It was sort of like writing the corny love letter you don’t write to the one you love. It’s also the type of email you don’t write to people who don’t have control over the fact that they have just lost their position at their workplace. Yes, spewing detectable bullshit can make you look unprofessional (surprise, surprise). This self-inflating performance put on my boss was undeniably the mother-load of bullshit and it was enough to make me stand up and give him a standing ovation for the worst bullshitting I have ever heard. I don’t know where he came up with that stuff. I was compelled to email him a link which could teach him how to bullshit…accurately, but I wasn’t prepared to witness a grown man cry, so I didn’t. I really hope the people who receive that email have their bullshit detectors in high gear because you’d have to be naïve as hell to believe there was any sincerity or willingness to help without ulterior motives. I’m sure when those people receive the email it might have the same effect on them as this
Just some of the things he did wrong (well I don’t have all day):
1.His first impression sucked! He didn’t write a message suitable for the people who would be reading it. It seemed aggressive, insensitive and arrogant. Instead he should have chosen language where he would appear more genuine. He should have promised that a new relationship would be built based on the principle of trust and loyalty.
2.His email was overly dramatic. I’m almost sure the owner of the company doesn’t give out drama awards.
3. Rather than writing with conviction and confidence, he wrote with bullshit. He didn’t indicate to his readers what his offer would be and what he would do to make sure they were making the right decision to join our company. Instead he chose to use really stupid metaphors to get his point across.
4. His email was overtly pretentious. Instead, he should have demonstrated the opposite in his email. You can sound confident without sounding like Shooter McGavin.
Okay, so maybe I’m being a little harsh. Maybe I’m even being a little hypocritical. We’ve all been there. We’ve all succumb to writing bullshit for the mere satisfaction of completing the last page of a 10-page paper. I know I’ve done it. It’s what makes liberal arts majors so fantastic. We’ve transformed bullshitting and stretching the truth into an art. Even so, I hope I never have to throw away my dignity and succumb to writing something as horrific as that. I never ever want to give up my crown.