Remember when someone said this to you and it was only a figure of speech? Let’s hope tomorrow’s events turn out the way we’re hoping they will and the above remains as a figure of speech. In case the world does end tomorrow, I’m posting this today. In case it’s my last, I just want to thank ya’ll for reading. If we live to see December 22nd, then ignore what I’ve just said.
(Photo Credit: http://www.oddstuffmagazine.com)
We’ve all been there. Don’t you lie to yourself or to me. You’ve all gone above and beyond or done something useless to get something useful out of it at some point in your life. I decided to formulate a list of some of those things. I’m a writer. I make lists. It’s in my blood.
1. Leave a note under your pillow which says: win the lottery
2. Wearing your lucky underwear on exam day. They don’t get you lucky but they get you an A.
3. Owning a lucky pen. It wasn’t always your lucky pen but ever since you started getting straight A’s it’s all of a sudden earned the name. I can relate to this one. In my second year of university I had this pen. In that year I scored straight A’s on everything. It had nothing to do with my intense studying or devotion. No. It was the pen. This pen was so ratty and old that it was on its last leg. I couldn’t let it fail me. I still had one more month of the semester left. Then I lost it. The pen. I lost the pen, not my mind. Well, maybe a little of that too. Either I lost the pen or someone conspired against me and stole it. I still don’t know what happened to it. Whoever that thief is, they’re one lucky son of a gun.
4. I make a wish at 11:11. Sometimes my wishes come true, sometimes they don’t but I usually blame it on the fact that I didn’t wish hard enough or I was distracted by a squirrel.
5. Leave unusually early to get somewhere afraid that a meteor may hit and conveniently crash into the lane of traffic I’m driving in.
6. I sometimes wish that something won’t happen, so that it happens. For example, when I applied for school, I was all like naaa I’m not getting in and then I got in! Or after a date I’ll be like, naa he won’t call and ask me out again. And then he does. And then I make a wish at 11:11 to cover my tracks.
7. Go out of your way to assist your jerk boss so that maybe one day instead of giving you chocolates, he’ll give you a raise just so that questions like this: “How do I copy and paste this?” will become more bearable. And really? I’ve showed you that a million times Mr. Boss and even wrote you instructions. My grandmother knows how to do that and she doesn’t even own a computer.
8. Smile and laugh at jokes that aren’t funny. Why? Because you want people to think you like them so that they will like you back. But in reality you should really tell them that they should keep their day job and refrain from dabbling into a career which is even remotely close to being a comedian. It’s a waste of time because eventually their jokes make you hate them.
9. Listen to a song which reminds you of the boy you fell in love with or the snack you fell in love with. Lately, having a thang for snacks has worked its way into the equation. Red Hot Chili Peppers…mmm McDonalds. Who cares about Jack. He’s old news.
10. You’re sad but you can’t cry. All you want to do is get a good cry out of the sad situation that’s just occurred, but it doesn’t happen. Now you have to start planning your cry. You put on a sad song, something like Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley and you make your way over to the mirror. You look at yourself square in the eye. The weirdo that you are needs proof of your hard work. And no one likes a heaver. Leave the heaver to beaver. Just look yourself square in the eye, in the mirror, and tell yourself you’ve got this. You’re such a strong weakling.
11. Hang out at a coffee shop. Next, creep and do not creep out the quirky handsome dude in the corner who is soooo mysterious and artsy. And you like that. Make a trip to the book store and buy said quirky books. Sit in plain view of him. If someone is sitting in the seat you had zoned for your creeping needs, execute plan B. Nonchalantly shove innocent sitter out of the seat. Position your lap top so that he sees that you’re not only a reader but also into Indie music and you loveee art. You could just go talk to him and save yourself the strategic creepy planning and pain, or pain of innocent coffee shop patrons and talk to him. No- Do.Not.Speak.To.Him. You must do unnecessary things to get the necessary thing.
12. Post some rather obvious to you and not-so-obvious to him things in your Facebook status. Oh he likes dogs. You do too, now. He’s an activist? You’ve conveniently volunteered for Save the Children.
13. You’re a woman and you have to prove that you’re strong and independent. Yeah, I’ve been guilty of this. Don’t open the door for me, ever. I hate that shit. And don’t offer to carry those heavy boxes for me. I’ve got it. And just when I think I do, the kind man who just wanted to help me is now a witness to a feminist tumbling down the stairs.
14.You read tons of advice things like: 10 signs he’s into you, 5 signs he wants to hump you, 100 signs he wants sprinkle fairy dust on you and make you his. You’re a sucker for these articles in those magazines. You’ll even spend your lunch money on them because inside those shiny pages lies the answer to all of your problems. They are after all freakin’ mind readers. Now you won’t look like a fool if you start winking at him or staring at him awkwardly because he wants you. Hormone exploiters!
15. You avoid parts of the neighbourhood on your morning or evening jogs, fearful your crush might see you. Just your luck- he decides to take his dog for a walk just as your sweaty, boob-flopping, self is jogging by. Lovely.
16. You get a head start on an assignment and miss the class it’s due in, to finish it, only to find out on the day it’s due that your generous professor announced a week extension during the class that you missed. Should have gone, should have gone.
17. You get all ready and dolled up, and even bought a new outfit for your date. An hour before you’re supposed to meet up, he cancels. Apparently he was too sick. Two days later a mutual friend posts a picture on Facebook. Lo and behold, there he is gleaming, looking healthy, and club rattin’ it up.
18. You read your horoscope. You’re all like “Oh my god that’s so me” and conveniently enough, all of the other Taurus’ seem to have had the same predicament, same kind of day, and also in store for something special in the future. That something special never happens. Stop doing this to us!
Another far-fetched post, by me, M.T.
Do you have anything to add to this list?