When I said I didn’t love you anymore, I was surprised and disappointed in myself. I couldn’t believe those words, buried deep inside, had left my mouth. I suppose it was only a matter of time before all the lying would weigh heavy on my heart and I would divulge everything to you. I remember how quiet you were. How hurt you were. Your silence was an indication that the truth sometimes doesn’t matter, nor is it important, when it’s at the cost of someone’s feelings, and I wondered why, when Mama always said the truth is what matters most, even if it hurts.
I don’t love you anymore. There I said it.
And after that, I remember covering my mouth in shock. The truth had leaked. I panicked. I looked around me, at society, at existence moving about and when I turned my back on you and decided to walk away I asked myself:
When did we start lying?
We created perfect lives about our imperfect lives
We were once children
We anxiously awaited adulthood because grown-ups were allowed to stay up late
They were allowed to have fun
To drink ferociously
To live by their own rules
And we were children
Taught to believe in make-believe
To have trust
To believe in stories read to us at bedtime
Stories which were just fabricated lies transformed into fantasy
But we loved them and we believed in them
I loved you and I believed in you
And there we were, lying to each other
Just to protect our hearts from damage
You are damaged
You sit in your office chair and stare out your window
Maybe you have thoughts of jumping?
Maybe you have dreams of being a bird?
Your routine days don’t make you happy anymore
And I don’t think they ever did
I don’t think I ever did
You used to smile
I used to too
I want to shake you
Life is not that bad
I want to press my fingers into your face and push your lips upright
I forget what you look like with a smile
For now, I am the only witness to your sad reflection in the window
Because I know what you’re thinking
You wonder: why am I here? What is my purpose?
You look down from your office window
At all of the people who look like scattered ants moving around frantically
The sun is so close, you can almost touch it
And the clouds are so thick you almost get lost in them
And although you’re perched high above
A tall skyscraper could never make you feel as though you’re on top of the world
You’re up in the sky and so close to heaven
But you don’t see it this way
You grab your office chair and throw it down the hall
You rip your keyboard out and smash your computer with it
You tear down every degree and diploma you have hanging on the wall
You lost your mind that day
And I couldn’t save you
You couldn’t save yourself
Everything that surrounds you is all that you are
What have you become?
A company drone
A machine of waste
Disposing your toxicity into a company who is consumed with the bottom line
I have always wanted to draw the line
But you always crossed it
You are just like them
And you know it
And because you know it
It makes you sick
So sick that this feeling has wrought in the pit of my stomach
Where you hoped I’d one day carry a child
But I can’t
Because I won’t bring a child into this world
And have its innocence be tarnished by monsters like you
To have it grow up and be a monster like you
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Definitely, I don’t know, maybe
Confused, so you lied with your apologies and “but baby…”
I laugh when I think about all that
Because you weren’t all that
Despite what everyone says, it’s easier said than done
To pretend you never happened and to erase you until you’re gone
I thought I could do it but I can’t
So I’ll just settle for how angry I am and release it while I rant
About your inconsistencies
Your shallow frame of mind
Your need for getting high
I used to tune out your savage words you arranged in sentences
I wasn’t allowed to climb your tall fences and
So I’ll lie here on the other side
Safe from your moral decline
All the while tangled in your web of chaos and self-destruction
You hate yourself, you hate the world, getting better was never part of the discussion
You think people are easy to dispose of
Because you’re messed up and you don’t believe in love
Your battered heart you claimed you ditched
So you beat mine up to get your fix
And now I’m lucky to hear it beat every now and then
The only proof I am alive after what you did
You piece of shit
You’ve made me repent for all your sins
But misery loves company
Like the devil loves doing evil deeds
Blasphemy, Blasphemy, Blasphemy
The poor man screams
He lost all his faith in his belief
A perfect world to him, is but a dream
He was once a preacher, a holy man
But he couldn’t go on and pretend the world wasn’t damned
So he took a box of matches and set his church on fire
And stayed until the raging flames that destroyed, had tired
He stood there with no one around
And laughed to himself while it burned to the ground
The only witness, he was, to his faith’s demise
Adorned is soot and ashes, he kissed it goodbye
Levitated by the devastation
He, holy man, emancipated
He ate from the devil’s hand who fed him temptation
Unable to escape the red man’s penetration
He, holy man, whose heart swelled with fire
Confess to him, no more, for he is a liar
A holy man afraid of water
Too dirty to cleanse, God disowned him as his Father
So now he roams the streets alone, without a soul
Because he sold it to the devil only a few days ago
For freedom, he thought in return he would get
Deceived by the devil who knew he’d lose the bet
The devil smiled grimly, for he knew he had won
Holy man, oh holy man, what have you done?
On a Sunday, you sold it, for barely anything
Because you thought in the end, you would feel complete
And now you’ve got nothing, how do you feel?
Freedom from God has lost its appeal
Sleep among the ashes of your church you burnt down
As the devil and his friends will dance and hover around
You cannot escape for you are a prisoner forever
The devil will remind you, he will make sure you remember
I’ll always love you, like I always said I would
We are one, there is nothing I wouldn’t do
But my illness and addiction, and your hope
Can’t save me or you
There I said it
And I can’t give you credit
For the good that you’ve done
The only good you can do
Is pulling the trigger on that gun
Do it for me, do it for you
I’m no good.
It scares me
My thoughts are out and loud
How can you stand there so rigid and proud?
Your eyes say a lot
And I am left here to rot
While you use your silence to kill me
My life smells of decay
And you, you’re okay
When I’m a withering flower
I need sunshine and water
I need love, I need life
We’re nothing alike.
It scares me everyday
You’re there but you’re gone
And I’ve lost my way
Don’t let me go
Please hold my hand
Before I slip through the cracks
And you’ll wonder what could’ve been
I know you will.
Save me from The End.
I need you.
Help me bloom.
(Photo credit: annstreetstudio.com)
As soon as a man is born he begins to die
From the moment he breathes his first breath
And opens his eyes
And when he is born, his time on earth will have begun
Although, each day ticks away
He will one day grow up and ask: what have I become?
This question will haunt him and follow him around
It’ll hover, whisper and squeal
And won’t ever back down
He will refuse to color himself in and take on the shape of a shadow
He fills his own shoes
And marches on to his everyday battle
Uniformed in a striped tie and blue tailored suit
Is a sad man who wishes
A career in happiness could be pursued
He’s learned that all that glitters is not gold
And his path has been paved a little differently
With forks and grooves in the road
Where did all the people go?
Just an unfamiliar world
Where friends have become foes
He empties his pockets and pours out his heart
He walks away from his life with no meaning
And prepares to depart
Caught in between an unparalleled universe
Where young meets old
Two worlds apart
Joined by a bridge
Of blood and heart
But you and I are not different
We were all born
And we all die
I hang from every word
As he tries to catch his breath
He holds my hand and caresses my face
Marking this moment as bittersweet
A moment I want to run from
A moment I can’t erase
And although he is weathered and tired
He is full of life when he smiles
He grips my hand tightly
It’s his way of telling me not to worry
But when I look into his eyes I see Fear
Cancer is a bully
Time is flying by
It’s shortened when death meets life
A Rolodex of memories flashes before my eyes
He asks Why do I have to work hard to die?
My eyes are damp
Because of what I cannot change
Because of what cannot be undone
Cancer has won
I pray that God won’t give you what I can’t beat
Words of selflessness
I feel defeat
Is there a God? I ask myself
How could he rob a gentle man
Of his health?
He looks into my eyes
And says Where there is a beginning, there is an end
He has faith that where there is love
Hearts can mend
(Photo credit: annstreetstudio.com)
I stand here before you
I can’t run anymore. I don’t have the strength to climb
So I descend, from your pillar of shame
I scrounge for whatever bravery I can scrape from the ground, starving for what I have never tasted:
I look up, and there you are
Again and Again and Again
You present yourself unannounced, following my every move- mocking me. Taunting me. You stand behind a protective layer of glass, far from my reach, where my hands have the desire to choke you. And the desire to smother your face.
That is everyday
I am afraid of everyday.
You’re everything I don’t want to be, are the words that roll off of my tongue, naturally
With truth. And with conviction. Without effort
“Look a little closer”
I refuse to look within her prying eyes…
Deny Deny Deny
Two fingers, which I have declared to the world by pointing them in a V, are now used to demonstrate the opposite of peace. They cover my eyes from what I don’t want to see, because I am at war with myself.
The girl in the mirror knows
And you caused it.
Her eyes insist a kind of honesty I have replaced with animosity. The girl in the mirror has changed
I refuse to follow.
I refuse to look.
I refuse to engage.
She disappears behind a layer of fog I have marked with each exhaled breath.
Unable to see her
I find comfort.
Face your fears- we are told. And so I’ve heard.
But what if the fear I face is… me?
And who the hell was I
In front of you
When it was all a waste of time.
Who are you to inspect my mind?
You’re not inclined to think like I
I and I
We meet with eyes
Eyes, which are the window to your soul
A soul, which you do not have
My soul you will never steal
For you are
The girl in the mirror.
(Photo Credit: annstreetstudio.com)